Tim Phillips
I love sharing my journey from being hopeless, to getting sober, to learning how to eventually be both sober and happy. to learning how to eventually be both sober and happy.
Imagine a young boy playing catch in his backyard. His mom, doing her best to fill both parental roles, throws pitch after pitch, her enthusiasm as boundless as her love. Surrounding him are neighbors and family members offering support and care, yet his heart remains locked on one thing: his absent father.
Despite the love showered upon him, his focus is elsewhere, and he misses the blessings right in front of him. For many of us, that little boy’s story feels familiar. It is definitely familiar to me because I was that young boy.
In our own lives and recovery, we often fixate on what’s missing or wrong, allowing our focus to drain our energy. Instead of seeing what we have or could build, we stay stuck.
Tony Robbins famously said, “Where your focus goes, your energy flows.” This concept plays out in countless ways in our daily lives. When we’re angry, for example, we tend to replay the source of that anger over and over, fueling the emotion. Similarly, if we’re dwelling on resentments, the bitterness seeps into every part of our lives, leaving little energy for joy, love, or growth.
This realization came painfully to me in my own life. For years, I resented my father for being absent. As a child, I couldn’t see my mother’s incredible efforts to fill his role. I couldn’t appreciate the male mentors who stepped in to guide me. My focus was on the void, not the love surrounding me.
This pattern didn’t end in childhood. In adulthood, I delayed quitting drinking because I couldn’t bear the thought of losing my drinking buddies, ignoring the anguish my addiction was causing loved ones who truly mattered. Similarly, I once clung to resentment over an ex who left me, pouring energy into anger and imagining revenge rather than using it to heal and move on.
In all these scenarios, my focus kept me stuck. It wasn’t until I began redirecting that energy that I grew and found fulfillment.
Resentments are perhaps the biggest thieves of our focus and energy. They’re also incredibly seductive, often disguised as righteous indignation or unresolved “justice.” But the truth is, resentment rarely harms the person we’re angry with—it only hurts us.
Take a moment to think about a resentment you’ve carried. How much energy has it consumed? Has it brought you closer to your goals or kept you anchored to the past?
Letting go of resentments required a hard look at my beliefs about fairness and control. I had to ask myself: Am I clinging to this because it serves me or because I’m afraid of what life looks like without it? Once I realized how much energy those resentments were stealing, I began releasing them, freeing myself to focus on the things that mattered.
When you remove the weight of resentments, it’s easier to direct your energy toward what’s most important. This meant shifting my attention to relationships, personal growth, and long-held dreams I had neglected.
I started asking questions like:
The answers weren’t always obvious, and sometimes they changed as I grew. But each time I redirected my focus to something meaningful, I felt lighter and more fulfilled.
For instance, instead of fixating on what my absent father didn’t do, I began appreciating the love my mom and others had shown me. I worked to strengthen those relationships instead of mourning the one I didn’t have. In sobriety, I replaced my drinking circles with friendships built on shared values, investing my energy in people who lifted me up.
It’s not just resentments that rob us of focus. Toxic jobs, unbalanced relationships, and negative self-beliefs can also drain us. These energy thieves keep us from being present with the things and people that truly matter.
When I found myself stuck in a toxic job, for example, I realized it wasn’t just draining my energy during work hours—it was following me home. My evenings and weekends were spent stewing about work instead of enjoying time with loved ones or pursuing passions. Recognizing this helped me shift my focus to finding a better fit that aligned with my values and goals.
In other cases, it’s been toxic beliefs about myself that needed challenging. For years, I carried the idea that I wasn’t worthy of happiness or success. That belief drained my energy before I even started anything new. By challenging those thoughts and replacing them with affirmations of my worth, I created space to thrive.
It’s not enough to remove the things that drain us; we must actively choose where to focus our energy. This requires mindfulness and intention.
Each day, I ask myself:
Living a life that matters doesn’t happen by accident. It’s a choice we make moment by moment, day by day.
What if you redirected all the energy spent on resentments, toxic environments, or self-doubt into the people and dreams that light you up? Imagine the relationships you’d strengthen, the goals you’d achieve, and the joy you’d feel.
That life is within reach. It starts with shifting your focus to what truly matters and allowing your energy to flow toward building a life of meaning and fulfillment.
This week, take stock of your energy. Notice when it’s being drained by anger, stress, or distractions, and ask yourself if those things truly matter. Then, imagine how your life would look if that energy went toward the people, passions, and dreams that mean the most to you.
For a deeper dive into this topic, listen to the full episode of the Sober and Happy Podcast. Together, we’ll explore how to focus your energy on what truly matters and leave behind what doesn’t.
I love sharing my journey from being hopeless, to getting sober, to learning how to eventually be both sober and happy. to learning how to eventually be both sober and happy.
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